A sense of understanding
by Omega-Xero
Summary: Rei has a loose grasp on what her emotions are and represent. Shinji offers to help her understand how she feels. Flames welcome! -revised-
1. Can I ask how you feel right now?

You'd be surprised what sudden inspiration will come to you at 2:51 in the morning. But with nothing better to do and being wired like crazy, you try to make the most of your time.  
  
Don't have all the specs yet, but I think this stuff is gonna be PG-13. As for a plot base, starts off on episode 12 right after Shinji kills the angel Sahaqiel, y'know, the one that tries to use itself to bomb NERV. Don't know how far it's going to go. Input CAN (not WILL) change what happens.   
  
DISCLAIMER: Now if I really owned this thing, it would have turned out something more like this, ('cause he's a sucker for romance)  
  
iThoughti  
  
"speech"  
  
NOTE: 2nd Edit. Thanks for all reviews that helped with some of my mistakes. Does anyone know why I need 9 periods to display an elipsey? Or how to turn text to an Italic or Bold font?  
  
-=NERV Headquarters=-  
  
"Is the pilot of Unit 01 currently available?"  
  
"Yes sir, he's right here."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"I just read over the report. Good work, Shinji."  
  
"........."  
  
-=Ramen Noodle Stand=-  
  
"Well here you are, Not only is it a place that serves a vegetarian dish for Wondergirl," began Auska, smugly, "but it shouldn't be too hard on that small wallet of yours either, Misato"  
  
"Well I feel blessed by your consideration, Auska," replied Misato with a nervous smile.  
  
iEven still, its only Monday, and treating four to dinner, even at this place, means that I'm broke until Friday.........i  
  
"We'll take 2 pork, 1 vegetarian and a shark fin."  
  
Most of the meal was eaten in silence, as it seemed that most of the children and their guardian were famished. They felt at ease, eating at such a quant, and simple place, knowing that it would most likely be weeks before the next angel attack. A great kind of atmosphere to bask in when the possibility of destruction, for the post-apocalyptic civilization, was possible at any time.  
While Auska and Misato were gulping down their well-deserved dinners, Rei ate quietly, her silence and solace shared only by Shinji. He slowly stirred the remains of his soup, still pondering the words of his cold and cynical father.  
i"Good work, Shinji"i   
  
He had never heard his father utter these words, at least not to him. Although there was no kind of emotion detectible in his voice, he could have sworn he heard a note of pride. The idea of his father being proud of him, it filled Shinji with hope, like a helium tank filling a balloon.  
i"Good work, Shinji"i  
"Misato?"  
  
"Yesh, Shinshi?" Said Misato as she slurped noodles.  
"Before, some time ago, you asked me why I piloted EVA. Do you remember?"  
"Yesh," -GULP-  
Auska shifted her attention from her soup bowl to Shinji. Rei simply kept eating, her emotionless mask, unchanged.  
"Well I think that I figured out why. I think I do it just to hear my father say that."  
Misato simply nodded her head and continued eating.  
"Wait a minute, you're telling me that's your reason? Just to get the attention of the commander?"  
"Yea."  
"Sounds like a pretty stupid reason to me."  
At those words, Shinji felt a hole puncture his balloon of hope, slowly deflating him.  
"I fight to protect the world, in hopes of a better future," proclaimed Auska, her ego rising even further.  
  
"Wow, Auska, what a great answer, if you were trying out for this Miss Tokyo pageant. C'mon now, what do you really fight for?" queered Misato as she popped the top on a fresh can of Yebisu.  
  
"Humph, if you don't believe my first answer, then you can believe whatever you want. I don't suppose you'll tell me why you work for NERV. I know it's not for the money, I've seen your paychecks."  
"Not until you tell me why you pilot for NERV."  
"Whatever. What about you, Wondergirl?"  
"I fight because the commander orders me to," replied Rei in her normal, monotone voice.  
"Just for the Commander huh? Well doesn't he have a loving set of dolls."  
"Neither I nor pilot Ikari are dol........."  
"Yea, Yea, I've heard it. Go back to your soup."  
  
Now Shinji couldn't get Auska's ideas out of his head. Was he being na•ve, just playing along with his fathers wishes, like a pawn in a giant chess set?  
iAm I just some tool, like another limb, or some kind of plaything like a.........doll?i  
He slowly began to lower his chin onto the bar, weighing the ideas against each other. Sadly, it seemed that Auska's were not only the most likely, but also the most logical. He sighed heavily, his hopes still diminishing. Being ignored by Auska and Misato didn't help as they continued to debate their reasons for being at NERV. He felt isolated and alone, as if no one cared about his thoughts or well being.  
"Is something the matter, pilot Ikari?" Shinji slowly turned his halfhearted gaze to Rei, perhaps the last person he thought whose attention would be gained by his sullen look.  
"Sorta, I'm just kind of depressed, that's all."  
"I see."  
There was a long silence between them, the constant ramblings of the pilot and the major still in the background.  
"May I inquire why you feel depressed?" Rei asked, still dry.  
  
"Well.........It's just that I feel.........so.........." Shinji shifted his gaze back into space, trying to determine what he would say.  
"Alone.........Ignored.........Disrespected." He closed his eyes as he said this, half wishing that he said nothing at all. He was waiting for a response from Rei, any kind. Whether she continued to eat her soup or if she would come up with any other questions.  
  
For a long while, there was silence between them.  
  
Shinji reopened his eyes, to see what Rei was doing. It looked as though she was still pondering his response, her eyes simply staring off into space.  
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"  
"I believe so. Does this mean that you seek attention?"  
iDo I? Perhaps, but that doesn't sound right.........i  
  
"More like acknowledgement."  
  
"Explain." It was more of an order than a request.  
  
"I wish to be seen by others as an equal, not as one of lower status. Though I feel as though I am doing my best, no one else seems to think so. They all seem to want more."  
  
He paused, carefully choosing his next words.  
  
"That's why today, when I heard fa......... the commander say 'good work' I felt as though... he were proud of me. But now I doubt even that after what Auska said."   
  
Shinji proceeded to lay his head in his arms on the counter. Staring off into space at the various contents in the back of the stand.  
  
Another pause.  
  
"I see."  
  
Shinji felt more as though he was talking to a mirror than an actual person.  
  
iNo, I can't think of her that way. She's a living, breathing, human being, and she deserves some respect. If she just expressed some opinions for.........i  
  
Shinji, quite suddenly, picked his head off the table and did something that he felt was very spur of the moment.  
  
"Ayanami?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Can I ask how you are feeling right now?"  
  
This caught the red-eyed girl off guard. She briefly broke her stone mask expression and felt herself blush a little bit. She had not expected Shinji to repeat her same question back to her. Worse, she did not know how to respond.  
  
"Ayanami? If you're uncomfortable answering, you don't have too........."  
  
"I am sorry, that was just a little unexpected.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry."  
  
There was another pause as Rei slid into deep thought.  
  
"I've never been asked that question before in the way that you have stated it."  
  
iShe's never been asked how she's feeling!?! No wonder she never expresses an opinion.i  
  
"I do not think I can answer right now."  
  
"Do you need time to sort out how you feel?"  
  
"Perhaps. Something like that."  
  
"I see."  
  
There was a long silence between them. The only noises in existence were the soup being devoured behind them and the low hum of the heat lamps from the noodle carts. Shinji turned his gaze from his empty soup bowl to the girl beside him. Her demeanor seemed to be confused and befuddled as she herself stared at her empty soup bowl. Her face had more color than normal, but the major change was her eyes. They were wider than they normally were, only slightly, but it seemed like a noticeable change from all the other times he had seen her. They seemed mystified and the soul piercing effect upon Shinji had been replaced with a sort of soft glaze.........  
  
.........As they stared right at him.  
  
"Ga-Gomen-nasi!"  
  
"Why are you apologizing?"  
  
"I was starring at you and-"  
  
"Is their some reason why you should not?"  
  
"Some people would find it to be offensive."  
  
"I do not understand why."  
  
There was another long silence  
  
"Neither do I........."  
  
With that, Shinji once again started at Rei, very blatantly. Rei did the same, she affixed on Shinji's blue eyes.  
  
Silence again. Asuka was arguing with a slightly tipsy Misato. Their first debate had either kept going are led off in some other direction. It was of no real concern to Shinji anymore.  
  
"Pilot Ikari?"  
Shinji's gaze wavered.  
"Yes Ayanami?"  
"Do you still wish to inquire as to how I feel? I believe I know now."  
"Um, If you don't mind, sure."  
"I believe I can most accurately describe my feelings as a sense of confusion. Yet I also feel as though there is more to it, but I am unable to accurately describe those feelings."  
  
Shinji blinked, feeling a bit confused himself.  
  
Rei appeared to be unnerved somewhat still, as her face had not returned to its previous, cold demeanor. Her features seemed softer. It looked as though she were trying to work her way through some complex problem.  
  
"Um Ayanami-san, if you would like, I'd be..........well.........." Shinji gulped, he was somewhat scared of what he was going to say next. ".........If.........If you'd like, I could try to help you to understand how you're feeling."  
"Pilot Ikari?"  
"Tomorrow, are you doing anything tomorrow?"  
"Because there are no sync test or school assigned for tomorrow, I have no agenda to attend to."  
"If you are interested, that is........."   
  
Inside, Shinji was screaming at himself.  
".........."   
  
Rei quietly pondered his words. Just a little while ago, Shinji had given what seemed to be an accurate sense of his feelings, one that was better than her own attempt. He seemed to have an accurate understanding on emotions.  
  
"Very well, tomorrow then."  
  
"I'll come by your place," his words came out quickly, "sometime around noon?"  
  
"Very well."  
  
"What are you two babbling about?"   
  
It was Asuka. She and Misato were standing up and returning to the car.  
  
-=Ayanami's apartment door=-  
  
Auska had been impatient and said to drop Wondergirl off on the front steps of her apartment. Though Shinji had wanted to walk her in, he knew that it would not be a good idea to cross Auska.  
"So tomorrow then?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Alright, see ya then."  
  
"Goodbye."  
  
The car sped down the street and made a sharp left. Ayanami stood on her doorstep as she watched the lights on Captain Katsuragi's car fade off into the distance.  
  
-=Misato's Car=-  
  
"Tomorrow then? What did you do baka Shinji, get a date?" Asuka looked smugly into the back seat where Shinji went from distraught to defensive on the fly.  
  
"What!?! What are you saying Asuka?"  
  
"What do you see in a doll like that Shinji?"  
  
"Ayanami is bNOTb a doll!"  
  
"Jeez, sorry."  
Shinji stared out the window as Misato drew ever closer to their residence.  
  
-As always, all responses are appreciated-  
  
NOTE: 3nd Edit. Thanks for all reviews that helped with some of my mistakes. Special thanks to Dan for all the advice on the story and help with the tags. 


	2. Happy Thought

As the sun rose over the mountains surrounding Tokyo-3, Shinji Ikari did not rise with it. When he did wake, he was groggier than usual. He had been unable to sleep easily as he kept replaying his conversation with Rei. He lay in his bed still thinking about it.  
  
"What had gotten into me? I never would have talked so casually."  
  
It must have been the revelation of hearing that no one had ever asked her how she felt. Though she wasn't the most social person in the world, he could not believe that no one would care about her. Not even his father, he'd proved how much she cared about Rei's well being when he had first been ordered to pilot unit 01.  
  
"Do I pity her?"  
  
He delved deep into this a bit. He had never thought about being thankful for what he understood and thought to be natural. It was frustrating to have emotions you couldn't understand, he himself only had a few; his thoughts on his father, on Auska, on Rei..........  
  
"Maybe I shouldn't have offered if I still have thoughts to sort out myself........."  
  
He took a glance at his digital clock next to his bed. The dull red numbers read 11:48  
  
"Oh jeez, I didn't set an alarm, I'm gonna be late"  
  
-=Ayanami's Apartment=-  
  
She woke as she normally did. 6:15 she rose from her bed and into the shower which she always kept to a minimal length. A small breakfast of toast followed as she then dressed and sat on her bed. Normally if there was nothing scheduled for her to do, she would go over the Nerv handbook, or some other kind of manual she felt she should review. Today was different for two reasons. She had plans, ones that didn't occur for at least occur for 4 hours, yet she was ready for whenever pilot Ikari would come to her door. Her second reason was something more that she had trouble understanding. While she had slept last night, images, seemingly out of nowhere had materialized while she had slept. They seemed almost random and had no important meaning.  
  
When she had woke at first, she thought she should go report what had happened to Dr. Akagi, but she decided that it would not be worth wasting the her time. Perhaps Shinji could tell her what they were.  
  
She looked at the clock. It would be another 3 hours at least before he would come.  
  
-=Apartment Complex Streets=-  
  
Dashing with all the speed that his morning legs could give him, Shinji turned the corner of the building. He still had 2 blocks to go before he made it to her street.  
  
i Why the hell didn't I set my alarm clock. I knew I had something to do and everything. I'm so late! Ayanami might have just left her apartment for all I know. i  
  
He turned to his side to see a large clock on the side of a building. The short hand was between the twelve and the one, the long on the other side of the clock. Thoughts of him arriving late on her doorstep started to flood his mind. She might not have been there and gone to NERV instead. She might be there and waiting for him. Thoughts of the time he had been on an escalator danced in his brain.  
  
i She's gonna hate me for this, probably give me that same stare and another slap on the face. i  
  
He tried to think of a more positive outcome. Maybe she slept in on her off days. Thoughts of the last time he visited her apartment were now cascading through his mind. He felt his cheeks get warm at the thought.  
  
i Gah! I don't have time to be thinking of something like that! I gotta move! i  
  
Approaching the stairs, he put on the last burst of speed that he could muster as he prepared to scale 3 flights of stairs. As he toped the last one he dashed to the left and hit Rei's doorbell twice. He then waited for a minute to catch his breath. His brain then caught up with him after two minutes of waiting.  
  
i That's right, the doorbell doesn't work i  
  
Not wishing to intrude on her privacy once again, he gave a few knocks on the door, his breathing still labored and uneasy from such a sprint. His consideration was rewarded with the sound of footsteps on the other side of the weathered door. As the door opened, a few pieces of mail fell from the overstuffed carrier on the door. Ayanami was in her school uniform, her face stone cold as always, eyes curious as why her summoner was exasperated.  
  
"I'm.........sorry.........I.........late.........long.........run.........clock.........whoh!"  
  
Ayanami responded coolly; "There is no need to apologize as you are right on time. Take deep breaths."  
  
"Right.........thanks."  
  
Helping Ikari into the darkness of the apartment, she guided him to the only piece of furniture that he could sit on, the bed. His eyes darted around the vicinity of the dank place, notice few changes from when he last visited. The bed was no longer soaked in various spots with blood, and the bandages in the waste bin had been emptied. The scent of the area still smelt like the den of some wounded animal. The blinds being drawn and the lights being burnt out only enhanced this feeling. There were still unwalked paths on the floor caked with dust. The dresser across from her bed still stood, his father's glasses case still in tow. That one item had been on his mind since the last time he had been here. Why did she have it? Where did she get it? Did his father know? It was a mystery laden in his mind, one to be solved another time perhaps. For now he needed to attend to Ayanami's needs.  
  
"How have you been doing?"  
  
"My current physical and mental condition has remained mostly unchanged from yesterday."  
  
"Oh, I was asking more towards how your feeling, emotional wise."  
  
"Oh. Pardon me."  
  
"It's alright."  
  
He thought for a moment i I guess from now on the appropriate question is 'How are you feeling.........' i  
  
"I suppose I am feeling normal."  
  
"What do you mean by normal?" Shinji looked at Rei with a puzzled look.  
  
"Normal-physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy."  
  
"You sound like you read that straight out of a textbook."  
  
"I did."  
  
Frustration began to set in as Shinji's point of conversation dissolved.  
  
i Go slow, explain what you mean. i  
  
"Ok, what I'm REALLY trying to ask here is what you're feeling, like are you happy? Sad? Confused? Depressed? Ecstatic?"  
  
A sort of blank look came over Rei's face as she tried contemplating Shinji's question. He could tell that he was turning a few wheels that had never been turned before, or at least hadn't been turned in a while.  
  
"I suppose I am feeling confused as I am trying to interpret what you mean."  
  
i Ok, this is going nowhere, I guess I have to start playing teacher i  
  
"Alright, Alright. How often do you think about how you're feeling?"  
  
Another silence and another blank look, followed by a response:  
  
"Not often."  
  
"So you have trouble identifying how you feel?"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Ok."  
  
It was now Shinji's turn to take silence and think of what to say next. Given the atmosphere, he found it hard to think. He was in need of a change of setting.  
  
"Would you mind if we walked outside while we talked? I find it easier to think outside."  
  
This was not entirely true. He himself often preferred the human controlled atmosphere of a manmade structure as oppose to the ever- questionable outdoors. His looks portrayed this ideal, as he was somewhat pale. This of course was nothing compared to the albinism complex displayed so dominantly in Rei. She looked as though she had never ventured outside in her entire life.  
  
"I suppose that would be alright."  
  
-=Tokyo 3 Park=-  
  
"So I guess the first thing to do would be to identify the most basic emotions, and work up to the more complex ones."  
  
"Very well."  
  
It was one of those days where there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the sky: It could only be described as a color of its own, unique to those bright days, ones that made you want to just lounge in the grass and fall asleep while warm rays kissed your face. Today was just the right temperature to wander for the rest of the day. And so they did, around a near deserted park of the near deserted town. To be unbothered and to let revelations sink in on both parties.  
  
i I suppose the best place to start would be with happiness......... i  
  
They walked down the street, side by side. Shinji with his head turned to the side to catch what Ayanami said, she with her head forward, occasionally glancing to the side.  
  
"Can you tell me of a time you were happy?"  
  
She pondered once more on Shinji's words.  
  
"The last time that I was happy was when the last angel was defeated," stated ray in a dull tone.  
  
"Can you tell me why?"  
  
"Because an objective had been fulfilled, one requested by the commander," came the flat voice again.  
  
"Is that what you enjoy most? Doing as the commander says?" As he said this, his sight turned to the ground, not enjoying the fact that the conversation was turning to his father. He had hoped to talk about her more, to find out what made her tick. If his father was all that was on her mind, then she would be more like a doll than even Auska had claimed.  
  
"I.........am unsure as to if that is what I enjoy most."  
  
There was once again another long silence.  
  
"Can you.........tell me of the time you were happiest?"  
  
She closed her eyes to this question, thinking deeper than she had before, determined to remember that of which he asked.  
  
And then they opened. He stared into the blood red orbs which were her eyes. They seemed to have taken on a new light, more glassy and lifelike than before, perhaps because of the memory?  
  
"The time that I was happiest was after I was trapped within the piloting plug of unit 00. I felt a sense of.........displeasure.........and.........distress............ anxiety........."  
  
"I think your describing fear."  
  
"Fear. It seems the suitable word for the situation."  
  
"Yea..."  
  
Realizing now that she was speaking of the time that unit 00 had gone berserk, Shinji was worried that perhaps she WAS in fact a kind of tool for his father, as it had been he who had saved her. Perhaps she had been brainwashed or something. A sickening thought.  
  
".........And then light flooded in as you told me 'never to say that again.'"  
  
At these words, Shinji's previous thoughts had been put to rest, as he now remembered the similar encounter. After the 5th angel, when unit 00 had ejected its piloting capsule due to the extreme heat condition within the Eva. He remembered prying the emergency open bars off the hatch, the searing heat going straight through his plug suit, numbed by the sense of duty to save Rei for protecting him.  
  
"You were smiling, and then you asked me to smile. I found the moment to be enjoyable."  
  
"........."  
  
"Is something the matter, pilot Ikari?"  
  
"That's your happiest memory?"  
  
"I believe it to be so."  
  
"Do you mind if I call you Rei from now on?"  
  
"It is acceptable."  
  
"Then please, call me Shinji, as oppose to pilot Ikari."  
  
"Very well."  
  
There was another long silence as they walked on some more. It seemed as though it needed to be there as Shinji felt the need to digest this new information. A whole new side to Rei that he had never relized had been there before.  
  
"May we sit on that bench?" Rei said, pointing to a bench hidden under a few Japanese cedar trees, "I have no desire to circle the park again."  
  
".........Oh yea! Sure sure, sorry, lets go sit the," Shinji replied franticly, now realizing that they must have circled the park at least twice now.  
  
Directing their way movement to the nearby benches, cogs turned furiously in Shinji's head, conclusions jumping to one another. He felt that even though he knew Rei a bit more, she was now more mysterious than ever.  
  
i She's very puzzling. It's kind of.........attractive.........in a sense i  
  
He blushed heavily at this thought.  
  
i Am I falling in love with Rei? i  
  
More blushing, if it was humanly possible.  
  
"Are you unwell Shinji?" asked Rei, a quizzical look in her eye.  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"Your face looks flushed, and you seem deliourius as you are still standing and we have arrived at the bench. Or do you not intend to sit?"  
  
"Gah! I got lost in my thoughts," came another quick response as he took his seat beside Rei. She simply stared at him, a small smile coming over her face. This break in the lip line caught Shinji's attention immediately.  
  
"Uh...is something funny Rei?"  
  
"I find your actions to be.........amusing.........I have never seen you act like this before. May I inquire why you are acting so sporadically?"  
  
Surprise after surprise seemed to stun Shinji over and over.  
  
"I.........well.........you've given me a lot to think about myself I guess."  
  
"What kind of things?"  
  
i Should I tell her? What could it hurt.........i  
  
"It's just that.........I can never recall anyone ever saying they were happiest around me. It makes me.........well........." Shinji began to look down at his shoes.  
  
"What?" Rei asked, moving her head closer to Shinji's. As she moved, Shinji looked up, once again caught in her red eyes again. Like a pool of water with rose petals floating on the top."  
  
i God, I must be. She's so beautiful. Why am I realizing this just now? i  
  
".........I'm glad that I can make someone happy. I haven't done that to a lot of people."  
  
"Hai, Shinji," Rei said, never breaking the gaze. "You do make me feel happy."  
  
"That's good."  
  
There was a long period of staring still. Feeling a need for there to be more conversation, Shinji asked another question:  
  
"Is there anything you want to ask me, Rei?"  
  
A silence once more envoked the area. Rei stared off into another direction, becoming stoic once more.  
  
AUTHORS NOTES  
  
Yea I know, its been like 3 months. Sorry for keeping this update so long. Bad internet service, curse you Bell south. How's all the diolog? Am I getting too OOC too fast?  
  
On a note, gotta thank tripledi7, she's really re-sparked my interest in continuing this fan fic, check out some of her work at fiction press. 


End file.
